That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]