That time Alicia messaged me
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN