That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
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Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.