that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
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If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.