@longwall26

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

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@Mr_Kapowski

I didn’t want the cop to see that my car’s registration tags weren’t current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too

@GringoBrulee

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@Sal0630

My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.

@Jimpetuous

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

@SnizzleFrizzle

My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.

@Skoogeth

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

@ChabbyD

Oatmeal is supposed to be good for the heart but I’ve been rubbing it on my chest every day for a month and I don’t feel any different

@lottie_fly_x

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

@Cyd10e

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.