NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out