I didn’t want the cop to see that my car’s registration tags weren’t current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
You Might Also Like
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.
*holds seashell to ear*
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Oatmeal is supposed to be good for the heart but I’ve been rubbing it on my chest every day for a month and I don’t feel any different
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.