@longwall26

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

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@SirEviscerate

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

@_davidlucas_

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

@NoogsCorner

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

@ryangriffiths

I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.

@niccolethurman

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

@DepressedDarth

My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me

@DanDoofus

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

@GrantTanaka

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

@mrjohndarby

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

@ArfMeasures

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out