That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me after drinking all the wine:
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall