That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Doggies just call it style.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”