That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Bed should get ready for ME
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN