That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*pokes sex life with a stick
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism