That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter