That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.