“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
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I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors