listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
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*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80