I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.