That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
The Punning Dead.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.