@Gooooats

That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?

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@dksc4life

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

@Disalmanac

Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.

@ABostonTwit

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

@CandyEmpires

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

@Hormonella

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

@krisv_723

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

@sageboggs

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

@djr_102

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

@Bob_Janke

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.