That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?

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[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”



I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.


The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.


Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.


GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok


Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you


Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.


Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.


*jumps from plane*

*forgets parachute*

*grabs onto flying squirrel*

*lives to tell the tale*


Did you ask her out?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.