My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Muppet Screams
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”