“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Legend 🤣🤣
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward