I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
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Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies
I’ve learned everything I need to know about stupid people from stupid people.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.