That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
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Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership