@In_Twittaland

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

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@1niitro

The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League

@DanMentos

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@carlyaquilino

*lays in bed*
“Did I leave the oven on? When’s the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure”

@thatUPSdude

If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

@caraweinberger

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

@DanKaszeta

OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.

@sree2weets

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

@Gupton68

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?