The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
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*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
*lays in bed*
“Did I leave the oven on? When’s the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure”
If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?