Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one