“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
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Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]