“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

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[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh


My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.


If you stop at a yellow light I’m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.


In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.


My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.


Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.


Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.