“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable