“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat