That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Spa day..😅
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.