@redpawn3

That’s classic.

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@Mikecanrant

Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.

@madisonfrench_

priest: it be like that sometimes

congregation: and sometimes like that it be

@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

@pro_worrier_

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

@donsengstack

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

@junejuly12

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

@jimmytorosian

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

@WillSaysStuff

I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.

@AbbieEvansXO

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab