My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.