Him: You’re so good to me. I don’t deserve you.
Her: Know what? You’re right. Pack your shit.
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*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Teacher: Any questions
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Dad: Want a donut?
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”