That’s classic.

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Him: You’re so good to me. I don’t deserve you.

Her: Know what? You’re right. Pack your shit.


*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”


Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*


“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud


Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.


Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.


*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?


I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.


Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.


COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”