“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Life cycle of cat
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*