the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Oh. My. God.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.