That’s easy for you to say
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ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
🖤✌🏽
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.