@drinksmcgee

That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.

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@OddMarc

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

@TheAdly

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

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@jessokfine

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

@ArfMeasures

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

@MadameSnippy

I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.

@chelliet22

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

@UncleDuke1969

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.