@drinksmcgee

That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.

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@klimtsonian

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

@FSUSteve

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

@longwall26

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

@ColoradoUgly

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

@Donna_McCoy

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

@_wangwe

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

@SteveHofstetter

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

@jwoodham

If you like someone, pretend they’re a charger and you’re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.