My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.