If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.
All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot
Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.