That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.

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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.


All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.




[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.


Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or


I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.


Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.


“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.