Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave