“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread