That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.

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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.


The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.


*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo


Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.


You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.


girls talk about makeup like it’s a damn weapon, “what eyeshadow is that?” oh its the Mac 35XZ10 pro supreme blend 10 points to Gryffindor


The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.