Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
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Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.
I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?