@michimama75

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

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@BonaFideIntent

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

@RunOldMan

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

@aka_fatman

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

@RocketRankoon

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

@bggas400

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

@LostCatDog

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

@TheCamelToe_

I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.

I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.

@LackOfShame

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?