“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
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Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Fabio hasn’t aged a day