how to market bottled water to dads
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Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.