O Wise One….
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
#StillHurts
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
so, is there a mister shapen head
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.