That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂