“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

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When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.


2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.


I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.


Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!


“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


You could’ve told me that wasn’t your real name before I got the tattoo.


Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?


Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.