“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
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9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.