“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

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Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?


How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?


“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”


I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.


Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.


[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.


[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13


*flipping through recipes*

I’m not going to twice bake anything my family won’t take twice as long to eat.