Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
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Lmbo
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Stick it to the man
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.