Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
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An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.