10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I was bored.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.