Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.
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My son just asked me if I when I was little I had to stay inside for COVIDs 1 through 18
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.
Stare all you want.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.
Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.