My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
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idk what this dog had been going through but same
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work