@mahatmatweeter

That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.

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@rebrafsim

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

@KerryHowley

My son just asked me if I when I was little I had to stay inside for COVIDs 1 through 18

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

@AntozWolf

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

@electrolemon

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

@dumbbeezie

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

@naomikaravani

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

@buckweiser13

I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.

Stare all you want.

@Dadpression

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

@jsteele3966

People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.

Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.