@Donna_McCoy

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

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@kacisuewho

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

@skittle624

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

@callmeEvian

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

@InternetHippo

Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house

@cravin4

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

@JediGigi

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

@realHamOnWry

The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

@anthonyjeselnik

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

@DanaSchwartzzz

I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario