That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
😜
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT