“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
You Might Also Like
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
You can’t outrun your problems…
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly