Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber