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@VerbsRProudest

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@Awkward_Fun

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.

@ilovepie84

I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep

@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

@heapsOhate

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

@NotthatAdamWest

The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.

@WORIDSTARHIPH0P

“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”

@pittdave13

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

@phalguy

10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.