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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.


What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.


I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep


my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me


Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.


Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.


The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.


“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”


If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts


10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.