@tarashoe

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

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@Jake_Vig

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

@Chumpstring

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

@_blotty

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

@nbadag

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

@MandiAtRandom

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

@sara_ashlynn

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

@fro_vo

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

@wildethingy

My wife told me today that I’m as handsome as the day we met. I’m 87% certain this is actually an insult.