I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
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My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
What a year we’ve had this week.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?