Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”