Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
You Might Also Like
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?