“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”

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Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’


duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait


Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!


My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.


They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.


me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say



Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds


Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.


[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?