@AdamOfEarth

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

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@ElleOhHell

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

@DickMarcs

Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.

@RidiculousSheri

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

@trishm426

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

@offbeatoliv

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

@TheRealDratch

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

@ValeeGrrl

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

@Marcmywords2

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

@Steelers1972

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

@Bownuggets

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now