that’s really how it is
You Might Also Like
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.