[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
You Might Also Like
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Had an epiphany today.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.