That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation


“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed


What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea


“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.


Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.


Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?


A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.


Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.