That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]